More and more we’re seeing founders without so much as a plan to profitability raise outrageous amounts of venture capital based mostly on, from what we can tell, hubris, being mediagenic and what may arguably be either a Napoleonic complex, a touch of bipolar syndrome, or some combination of the two.

There seems to be a clear pathway to success in technology without having to be bothered with showing profits or even having a viable or clearly defined product, but given the downfall of Elizabeth Holmes (Theranos), Travis Kalanick (Uber), and most lately Adam Neumann (WeWork), that pathway hasn’t been clearly defined, or refined. But we have been paying attention, and we believe we have come up with 12 basic rules for success in technology – even with little or simple tech required:

 

1. Behave as if you’re channeling Steve Jobs. (Wardrobe of black turtlenecks required.)
2. Create an on-demand economy like, say, a ride-sharing app, and never mind that you’re basically a taxi service. Make sure to change the language to deceive the clueless and state and local regulations be damned: become a Category. You’re a disruptor! You’re a game-changer! The investor money will come rolling in, Use it to pay lawyers or pay off state and local officials. Problem solved.
3. Pretend that you’re tech company, even if you’re really simply another, say, office-leasing company. Let’s call it co-working. The warmer and fuzzier the concept, the better. Make sure to use tech catch phrases or tag lines that are pure media clickbait, such as The World’s Largest Physical Social Network or Do What You Love. So what if you’re merely office space. It’s all about positioning. And leveraging the top categories du jour. And calling yourself a tech play.
4. Pretend to be a pure tech play, like, say, a ride-sharing app, but make sure to act like needing drivers is ancillary to the business model: you’re a technology company; using your app is the driver’s choice. Make sure to specify that you’re part of the on-demand, not sharing economy: when it comes to profits and employee benefits and the like, remember: you are totally not about sharing.
5. Buy a Gulfstream or two (you have an image to uphold: you’re going to fly commercially? Seriously???) then offset your carbon emissions by enforcing a vegan only policy for employees’ business lunches. That’ll get positive press and the Gulfstream will become yesterday’s news.
6. Speaking of Sharing Economy, careful there. May be a Trojan horse before too long, considering the California ruling on the ride-share services have to provide their drivers with benefits. You can start there, but don’t wait too long to change the language. You’re a platform, a concept which happens to be an aphrodisiac to many an investor.
7. Balance sheets and bottom lines don’t really matter when the investor money keeps rolling in. Creative accounting and philanthropy both help. Be very public about your philanthropy: you’re all about doing good. Hey, open an entrepreneurial grade school! You’ll be seen as a shining light for the future of education. Being ‘visionary’ gets ‘em every time.
8. Startups are the new religion and you’re the cult leader. Make sure that your name is associated with words such as charismatic, driving force, visionary. And do not waver from the script, no matter how seductive all that media attention is. Avoid being labeled with such adjectives as erratic, egotistical, arrogant, and the like.
9. Once you’ve become a media darling, you’re every move will be monitored. And you will no doubt make a misstep or several. Don’t defend. Show remorse. Show humility. It doesn’t have to be genuine, sincere, nor do you have to correct that misstep. Merely say that you will. Humbly. How many times has Mark Zuckerberg issued apologies “We really messed this one up, sorry!” or “we did a bad job of explaining what the new features were and an even worse job of giving you control of them.” Keep the language simple and wear a suit. You’re serious and you mean business with that latest apology.
10. Do whatever it takes to maintain your majority voting shares. Keep your natural inclinations towards dictatorial behavior in check until after the IPO. Think Zuckerberg, not Neumann. Slow and steady and a fair amount of media coaching wins the race.
11. If you have an IPO in the offing and realize that you’ve engaged in some questionable accounting, you might want to liquidate some of your holdings. Make sure that it’s not more than, say, $700+M. You don’t want set off too many red flags.
12. If you then learn that your IPO is being greatly devalued and possibly postponed due to a complete lack of interest from investors, you may want to consider relinquishing the stewardship of your company. The odds that the board will ask you to remain: roughly 700+M-1.

Bonus: You’re never operating at a lost. Instead, your cost of revenue exceeds sales

The rules are simple enough, although you do have to demonstrate that you are a driving force, with your hand on the steering wheel at all times, and that you know when to put the pedal to the metal, and when to hit the brakes. In other words, you’ll have to navigate that fine line between hubris and humility. Given the emergence of the Elizabeth Holmes and Adam Neumanns of the world, investors may be a bit more circumspect these days.

Following the Hipster Handbook isn’t cutting it the way it used to.

Failure is not always a badge of accomplishment, especially when there are billions of dollars in play. While it was never free money, the climate has definitely changed. You may have been the initial driving force, but Investors will giveth and investors may well taketh away. No matter what the cap table may indicate. you’re not invincible nor irreplaceable. As any investor will tell you, given the extremely quick demise of Adam Neumann: at this juncture, that’s not the way we roll – that’s the way we work. Onward and forward.